Seven Signs of the Foodpocalypse

1. Darth Vader Burgers -- soon available in France and Belgium!

2. Chicken & Waffle Wings -- because how else are you going to eat chicken and waffles in the car?

3. Bacon Soda -- swine plus sugar water equals yum!

4. Mountain Dew -- it dissolves rats!

5. Dulche de Leche Cheerios -- they're "naturally flavored" with caramel!

6. Chocolate Covered Totino's Pizza Rolls -- because why the hell not?

7. SPAM Mints -- for hot dates who love Hormel products.

Not everyone's trying to eat healthier this January, I guess.

McRage

At 3 a.m. this past Sunday, 22-year-old Shanaya Edgell had a hankering for a McDonald's cheeseburger. So along with her boyfriend, Darrell Page, she went to a McDonald's in Janesville, Wisconsin. Unfortunately for her, the fast food joint had already switched over to its breakfast menu. And Edgell wasn't in the mood for a McGriddle, dammit.

According to the Janesville Police Department, Edgell got upset and left with Page. But as they drove away, she changed her mind and demanded that her boyfriend turn the car around. He wouldn't, so Edgell began striking him in the face, biting his arm as he tried to steer the car, and tearing off his shirt. When Page pulled over, Edgell jumped out and threw herself on the hood of the car to prevent him from driving away and leaving her with no ride to Mickey D's.

Just another example of fast food rage, I guess. You know -- like the woman at the McDonald's drive-thru window who started beating on the staff because McNuggets weren't available on the breakfast menu. Or the guy in Australia who rammed his car into two women because he was upset that he couldn't order off McDonald's breakfast menu at 3 a.m. (Too bad he didn't live near the Golden Arches in Janesville, Wisconsin. I have it on pretty good authority that they serve breakfast at that hour.)



(This video gets really good at about the 1:10 mark. I also love the fact that after the assault ends, the McDonald's employees go right back to serving customers like nothing happened.)

Note to McDonald's: In more ways than one, your breakfast menu is a menace to society.

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I Can't Look Away

Lord help me -- I can't stop watching Paula Deen videos on YouTube. Behold:

Deep-Fried Cheesecake:



Lasagna Sandwich:



Luther Burger:


I think I need to go check my blood sugar now.

Storming the Castle

Perforated-burger enthusiast Martin Kessman is suing his local White Castle because the fast food joint has allegedly failed to provide seats large enough to accommodate his girth.

Is it just me, or is he slouching?

“As I looked around the restaurant, I saw that there were no tables and chairs that could accommodate a person that merely wanted to sit down and eat his meal,” Kessman wrote [to White Castle's corporate headquarters]... White Castle replied with three “very condescending letters” -- and an offer that added insult to injury. “In each letter was a coupon for three free hamburgers -- but the cheese was extra!” according to a lawsuit Kessman filed last week in Manhattan federal court.

In the meantime, Kessman refuses to step foot in White Castle, though he still has his wife pick up takeout from the restaurant.

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Bizarro Food of the Day

1. Butterfinger Buzz. "Crispety, crunchety, peanut-buttery bar with caffeine!"

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2. Cheerwine-Filled Krispy Kreme Donuts. "[A] true celebration of two southern heritage icons doing something quite magical for loyal fans in the south." Fun fact: "Something quite magical" is code for "diabetes."

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3. S'mores Sliders. I can't decide whether I want to: (A) eat this, or (B) vomit.

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Time for lunch!

Human Turd Burgers

Has it really come to this?



As I was watching this video, I kept thinking: This isn't Paleo. But heck, I guess if you're willing to eat fake meat MADE OUT OF HUMAN EXCREMENT HARVESTED FROM RAW SEWAGE, I guess the addition of red dye and soy protein is the least of your worries.

Plus, I have to give the brains behind this revolting initiative, Professor Mitsyuki Ikeda, style points for: (1) brandishing a super-creepy plastic hand pointer with red nail polish, and (2) going nuts with the office labeler. (Look closely: The guy's obviously fond of the words "SHIT BURGER.")

One last thing: Is it just me, or is that poo really weird-looking?

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Paleo Choices at McDonald's

An email from a reader:

“During the week, I have to pick up lunch at McDonald's. There is literally nowhere else I can go that is as quick and affordable. It's the only place within a 15 minute drive from my office where I can eat for under $5 and I only get 30 min. lunch breaks at work. My question is: What should I order if I want to eat Paleo? I usually have a Big Mac but with no sauce and I remove the buns. Thanks.”

Answer: Water. And possibly the coffee, assuming you take it black and with no sweeteners. Maybe the salads, if you get it without the dressing, “cheese,” and fried pieces of “chicken.”

But COME ON. Are you really asking me this question? Did you really think I'd answer by saying something like: "Get the McNuggets, but scrape off all the breading with your fingernails"? I recognize McDonald’s is dirt-cheap and ubiquitous, but so is bird shit.

Look -- I’m not saying that you can’t live on fast food. With Fat Head, Tom Naughton punched Mayor McCheese-sized holes in Morgan Spurlock’s Super Size Me, showing that you’re unlikely to vomit and die from eating at McDonald’s. You can probably eat low-carb and stave off obesity (but not systemic inflammation) for a good long while by avoiding the sugary beverages and refined carbs at fast food joints. If you live in Asia, you can get gluten-free buns at McDonald’s -- they’re made of rice. And even if you’re stuck with regular old Mickey D’s buns, you can devour 25,000 Big Macs over the course of 39 years and live to tell the tale.

But why go to the trouble of driving to McDonald’s when you can eat real food? Believe it or not, YOU CAN PACK YOUR OWN LUNCH FOR UNDER FIVE DOLLARS. True story!

Buy some eggs, unprocessed deli meat, avocados, salad greens and tomatoes. Hard-boil the eggs. Throw together a bunch of big-ass salads with everything you bought. Bring your salads to work. Don’t forget to pack a fork. You’ll save: (1) time, (2) gas money, (3) me from having to answer questions like “What Paleo foods can I order at McDonald’s?”

Because seriously, if you’re going to break down and make a trip to McDonald’s, don't go all half-assed. Get their tasty, tasty fries. And if you’re in Japan, order a Double Mega Tomago Burger. ‘Cause you only live once.

Tofu Burger, Fries & Drink

Who's hungry? And wants man boobs?

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Breakfast of Champions

Two chains in the neighborhood I don't mind having around -- especially when I'm in the mood for a quick, cheap hit of caffeine and beef: Philz Coffee and In-N-Out.

That there's a protein-style, mustard-fried double-meat burger with onions, chopped chili peppers and pickles -- hold the spread -- plus some awesome single-cup drip coffee.

Sadly, not everyone in our family's a fan of Philz' dark-roasted Turkish blend.

No accounting for taste, I guess.

Ron Swanson's Turkey Burger

More proof that Ron Swanson is awesome:

"Have you ever had a turkey burger?"

"Is that a fried turkey leg inside a grilled hamburger? If so, yes. DELICIOUS."



Eater has made this meat-tastic fever dream a reality.

But watch out for the bone.

A Big Hunk 'O Love

Behold, the Elvis Burger:

I'm all shook up grossed out.

(Not surprisingly, there's a deep-fried version, too.)

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Double the Meat, Hold the Bun

I may have given up my pizza habit, but to compensate, my burger intake has ramped up significantly since going Paleo. Back in our pre-enlightenment days, we considered burgers to be the devil's (delicious) handiwork, and ate 'em sparingly. After all, red meat causes cancer, right? And saturated fat is always EEEE-vil, right?

Not so much. So now, we're all about burgers. (Without the buns, of course.) Recent favorites include:

The Double Farmhouse Burger (beef patties, ham, cheese, mixed greens and a fried egg -- plus extra bacon, slaw, mustard and sauerkraut) @ Prather Ranch’s stand at the San Francisco Ferry Building Farmer’s Market:

Double Classic Burger (grass-fed beef patties, butter lettuce, onions, tomato, and house-made pickles, plus avocado and a fried egg) @ Roam Artisan Burgers:

Protein-Style Triple Meat Burger (three beef patties, tomato, mustard and a whole-grilled onion slice wrapped in lettuce) @ In-N-Out:

Homemade Lamb Burger (grass-fed lamb patties topped with onions, mushrooms, a fried egg and homemade guacamole) @ our house:

Bunless ShackBurger (with tomato, lettuce, onions and cheese) @ Shake Shack (the one in Madison Square Park):

Buffalo Burger (bison patty with cheddar, avocado, and a fried egg -- not pictured here) @ Burger Bar:

(A Buffalo Burger with different toppings -- Photo: A. Jackson)

Tootsie’s Burger (beef, pork & veal patty with mozzarella and caramelized onions) @ Tootsie’s:

Burger in a Bowl (beef patty, Tillamook cheddar, sautéed onions and mushrooms, roasted red peppers, egg, tomatoes and avocado) @ The Counter:

And the latest addition to the list:

Today, I treated myself to a custom double Durham Ranch elk burger at Roam, consisting of two elk patties wrapped in butter lettuce and topped with onions, tomatoes, house-made pickles and mustard. I also added avocado and bacon for good measure. By substituting the elk for beef, doubling the meat, and throwing on a bunch of extra toppings, you, too, can transform a simple $6 Roam Classic Burger into a lip-smackingly delicious $16 monstrosity. (In the alternative, order some elk patties from Durham Ranch online and concoct your own beast.)

Holy moly, this was good.

Some Things Should Not Exist

Case in point:



(Source: SlashFood)

Animal Planet Plate Lunch

What -- you didn't believe that I'd actually go eat a big plate of animals for lunch?

Every Tuesday, I head over to the Ferry Building Farmer's Market's Prather Ranch stand for a Farmhouse Burger -- beef patty, ham, bacon, fried egg, no bun, extra lettuce, and a pile of fresh sauerkraut.

Sometimes, when I feel like something a little lighter, I add slaw:

But today, I just polished off the meat with a side of homemade venison jerky.

I love animals.