Why Didn't I Think of This?

Ultimate Tak Ball is kind of like indoor soccer, but with stun guns.

My only question: Do the players wear diapers under their uniforms? 'Cause if I were tased repeatedly while running around with a gigantic soccer ball, I'm pretty sure I'd eventually lose control of my bodily functions.



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Bacon Tampons

Who knew you could stop nosebleeds with "bacon tampons"?

From LA Weekly:

Four doctors at Detroit Medical Center in Michigan treated a child who had a rare hereditary disorder that causes prolonged nose bleeding by using what they called a "nasal tampon" made out of "cured salted pork," the Guardian reports. The so-called bacon tampon "stopped nasal hemorrhage promptly, effectively, and without sequelae [negative consequences]," they write in the January 2012 issue of the Annals of Otology, Rhinology and Laryngology. 

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Just So You Know, We Don't All Wear Gas Masks To The Post Office

My pal J-Ho recently circulated the best news article I've read in a long, long time: On Tuesday, Long Hoang, a nursing student here in the San Francisco Bay Area, touched off a full-scale emergency at a busy San Jose post office.

How, you ask?

By wearing what appeared to be a gas mask and body armor, running to the post office, and trying to jam an oversized package down a mailbox.

Not surprisingly, someone called the authorities, and the post office was shut down for four hours while the area was combed by San Jose Police's bomb squad, the Fire Department's hazardous materials unit, and a team from the U.S. Postal Inspector's Office. They even brought in a robot to blow up the package that Hoang was seen stuffing into the mailbox.

Here's the story, as reported by the San Jose Mercury News:

About 12 weeks ago, Hoang became an avid follower of the CrossFit exercise regimen, which he said, exuberantly, combines "this really creative combination of weight lifting, gymnastics and rowing." He wears the mask to simulate high-altitude training. Hoang, who is 5 feet 4 inches, said he's lost at least 20 pounds, and is now 142 pounds. 

Many neighbors in the area frequently spot him running in his gear, doing squats and lunges at corners while he waits for the light to turn green. 

As Hoang tells the story, he mistakenly received a package of calendars at his home, and thought he'd mail them back to the proper recipient while on an exercise run. The package didn't fit the first time in the mail box, he said, so he had to fold it up and try a second time.

I love how the reporter made sure to characterize Hoang's "exuberance" for CrossFit, as if it weren't already obvious from the guy's choice of workout apparel.

Another Reason to Be Leery of Tofu

Tofu fans, beware.

From Monday's edition of The Oregonian:

Just after 8:15 p.m. fire crews were called to an apartment building in the 300 block of Northwest Fifth Avenue in the heart of Old Town.  

"When they arrived they found a woman sitting outside crying," Corah said. "She said there'd been an explosion and she was upset. She had a slight burn on her left hand, but was otherwise not hurt."  

The woman told investigators was cooking tofu and had rinsed out the pan with water when there was explosion. The blast was so powerful that it blew a 4 by 6 window out of the building and onto the street, Corah said. 

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Japanese Calorie-Burning Underwear

Face it: You know you want some.



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Pork Molded in the Shape of a Small Pig

Along with Spam and the McRib, this...thing heralds the coming of boneless, skinless, processed, organ-less pork. Oh, and the apocalypse, too.

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Edible Spray Paint

Huh.

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"Put A Little South On Your Mouth"

I present to you Paula Deen's butter-flavored lip balm.

That is all.

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Cognitive Dissonance

Look at this picture and tell me what you find most jarring.

Is it:

(A) The age-inappropriate pink hair?

(B) The comically bad wallpaper and home decor?

(C) The fact that a paparazzo is a cast member on the U.K.'s "Celebrity Big Brother"? or

(D) The surgically-implanted washboard abs on said paparazzo's otherwise pudgy body?

[Previously: The Ab-Hancer!]

Broccoli & Cheetos

Almost Paleo. Almost. (The broccoli part, anyway.)



Recipe here. But please don't try this at home.

[Thanks, @lawyerhands!]

Human Turd Burgers

Has it really come to this?



As I was watching this video, I kept thinking: This isn't Paleo. But heck, I guess if you're willing to eat fake meat MADE OUT OF HUMAN EXCREMENT HARVESTED FROM RAW SEWAGE, I guess the addition of red dye and soy protein is the least of your worries.

Plus, I have to give the brains behind this revolting initiative, Professor Mitsyuki Ikeda, style points for: (1) brandishing a super-creepy plastic hand pointer with red nail polish, and (2) going nuts with the office labeler. (Look closely: The guy's obviously fond of the words "SHIT BURGER.")

One last thing: Is it just me, or is that poo really weird-looking?

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These Nuts Taste Like Gelatinous Canned Meat

It's been months since I first learned about SPAM-flavored macadamia nuts, and yesterday, I finally stumbled upon 'em.

Apparently, these can be found EVERYWHERE in Hawaii. SPAM is, after all, the unofficial state meat here. Folks on the islands consume more than 7 million cans of Hormel's "Hawaiian steak" each year. When Burger King introduced a breakfast SPAM Platter on its Hawaiian menus, it sparked a SPAM war with McDonald's. There's even an annual SPAM JAM Festival on Oahu celebrating these pink gelatinous bricks of processed meat.

And for all my talk about "eating real food," I still harbor fond memories of downing nori-wrapped SPAM musubi while strolling around Waikiki with M in our pre-kids, pre-Paleo days.

Of course, I didn't expect SPAM-flavored mac nuts to taste anywhere near as good as SPAM musubi, but I wasn't going to pass up the chance to try some of these lab-concocted pink-dusted nuts, either.

I bought a single can. (Baby steps, yo.)

The ingredients? Dry-roasted mac nuts, salt, and something called "SPAM Brand Flavoring."

This is a change from its original packaging, which listed the non-nut ingredients as "Maltodextrin, Sugar, Salt, Natural Flavoring, Yeast Extract, Cornstarch, Sunflower Oil, Silicon Dioxide, FD&C Red #40 Lake, Onion Powder. Contains Sulfate." Mmm -- FD&C Red #40 Lake makes everything delicious and pretty!

It comes as no surprise that SPAM nuts are treated with some kind of sensory-altering chemical known only to Hormel's crack team of flavor scientists. But how do they taste?

Kind of foul.

If you're not used to your nuts smelling like pork (and who is?), you're in for a surprise: The pungent aroma of fake meat punches you in the face as soon as you pop open the can.

On the plus side, while these macadamia nuts have the odor of SPAM, they obviously come without any smooth, slimy meat parts. As a result, the nuts are slightly less unappetizing in appearance than real SPAM.

But they certainly taste just as SPAM-my. As soon as one of these nuts enters your mouth, the distinctly sweet/salty SPAM flavoring is front and center. Even actual SPAM doesn't taste like this when you first pop it in your mouth; you first gotta bite into it to release the porktastic flavoring. With the nuts, however, the SPAM essence is entirely in the pink powder coating.

As soon as the powder dissolves on your tongue and the smell dissipates from your nostrils, what's left is a plain old mac nut. The SPAM taste is super-ephemeral; it doesn't linger for long.

But here's the thing: If you're a fan of super-processed meat products, you want the SPAM flavor to stick around. And if you're not a SPAM enthusiast, you're probably not going to buy this crap anyway.

Then, there's the third group: People like me, who just want to try SPAM nuts to say they've tried SPAM nuts. We'll try a nut. Maybe two or three. We'll blog about it, and take photos, too. And then we'll toss the rest of the can.

Everyone leaves dissatisfied.

Three Great Flavors That Taste Great Together

Remember all those times you thought to yourself: "This hot fudge sundae could really use some mustard and chili peppers"? Well, the good folks over in Scotland have just the thing for you: Chocolate Chilli Mustard.

This is like the CrossFit of edible spreads -- it's got to be the most versatile condiment ever created. Think about it: What other topping can boast of being equally awesome on wild game, poultry, sausages, waffles and ice cream?

Sadly, I have a feeling this stuff ain't Paleo.

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Beef Jerky Purse

I'd eat that.

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Underage Japanese Lucha Libre

I can't decide what's more mindblowingly awesome:

1. the fact that Japanese pro wrestling exists, or
2. the fact that one of its stars is nine years old.

By the way, what's the deal with all these scary child wrestlers?

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Chess Boxing

Think CrossFit is insane? Last week, my buddy Mint heard about "chess boxing" on NPR, and -- being the activity junkie that he is -- immediately began scouring the web for more information.

Turns out chess boxing is exactly what it sounds like: After a four-minute round of speed chess, opponents step into the ring for a two-minute round of boxing. The competitors alternate between rounds of chess and boxing -- until one wins by knockout, checkmate, or judge's decision.



Sound like something that someone pulled out of their ass? It was. (Figuratively.) According to most accounts, a Dutch artist named Iepe Rubingh invented chess boxing after being inspired by a similar hybrid sport depicted in Froid_Équateur, a 1992 French comic book. Others claim that chess boxing was actually based on the Wu Tang Clan's 1993 track "Da Mystery of Chessboxin'" -- which, in turn, was based on a 1979 chop-socky film called "Ninja Checkmate" (a.k.a., "The Mystery of Chess Boxing").

Regardless, the sport is growing in popularity -- particularly in Europe, where chess is more popular and boxing is more bloody. Chess boxing even has a governing body, headquartered in Berlin: the World Chess Boxing Organisation (WCBO). Its motto? "Fighting is done in the ring and wars are waged on the board."

This ain't exactly my cup of tea. I suck at chess, and the last time I got into a fight was in eighth grade. (Okay, it was more of a shoving match. But it was angry shoving.) Still, I can already think of a few people who'd take a second look at chess boxing. Despite appearing bizarre on first glance, this sport may very well appeal to those who like to kick ass both mentally and physically. As Rubingh put it, "chess boxing is extreme physical stress combined with a huge mental test" -- making it one of the few sports that requires extremes in both brains and brawn.

The adrenaline after boxing inhibits your ability to think, making the chess harder. Few people can still think straight after a right hook to the head. You need to be able to pull off that champion chess move while blood is pouring from your nose.

Sounds...fun?

Ronald McDonald Kills & Eats His Friends

Subtlety is not PETA's forte, as evidenced by its latest comic book for children:

First, it was your mommy and daddy who murdered animals. Now, it's the guy in whiteface who taught you how to ice skate. So, so sad.

Thankfully, the Fry Guys are safe from the evil clown's poultricidal rampage, but Mayor McCheese has taken to traveling with an armed security detail.

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Smells Like Bacon

I don't wear cologne, but for this, I may make an exception.

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More Dangerous Than a Stepladder

Remember the ROM Four-Minute Cross-Trainer? The machine may be a spectacular waste of fifteen thousand dollars, but at least it comes with a tongue-in-cheek warning:

Click on the image to embiggen it. Still too small to read? Here's what it says:

This exercise machine is extremely dangerous. Any form of exercise can cause injury or death. Before doing anything in life, including exercise, consult your lawyer first, then your doctor and after that use normal human intelligence. Or for better results reverse this order. Keep small children and incompetent adults at least 6 feet away from the machine at all times. When not in use, keep the machine inaccessible and under lock and key. In addition, use a bicycle lock to lock the flywheel when the machine is not in use. Normal stepladders cause injury and even death; the ROM machine is more dangerous than a stepladder...

Are you getting the feeling that the manufacturers have seen one too many treadmill-fail videos on YouTube?

I Love Meat, But...

...beef jerky-flavored MeatWater kind of makes me want to throw up in my mouth.

Still, a beverage that tastes like a cheeseburger would probably pair nicely with, say, a cheeseburger.

Pam the Blam sent me a link to this article about MeatWater's new "line" of diet drinks ("MeatWater VOID"), and I have to confess that the poached salmon salad flavor looks particularly intriguing.



But before you get too excited about the prospect of drinking Caribbean shrimp salad water, please note that MeatWater doesn't actually exist. (Which, strangely enough, kind of bums me out.)

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