Chickens Dig Reebok CrossFit Nanos, Too.

At Clark Farm (Carlisle, Massachusetts).

Tastes Like Chicken

Fake meat's been in development for a long time, and faux animal products have been popping up in supermarkets for years. (Quorn, anyone?) These laboratory-concocted Frankenfoods are beloved by many vegetarians and vegans -- the ones that don't mind ingesting massive doses of highly-processed soy, wheat, and corn -- but up 'til now, meat-eaters have turned up their noses. Yuck, they say. Tofurky tastes nothing like turkey.

But hold onto your hats: Fake meat may have just turned a corner.

Yesterday, Slate published Farhad Manjoo's review of "Beyond Meat" -- a soy product that's been engineered to mimic chicken meat. And his verdict? It looks and tastes JUST LIKE CHICKEN. In fact, Manjoo says, "I thought they resembled chicken breasts that have been prepared sous vide -- the process of cooking food at low temperatures for a long time, yielding extremely tender results." The only difference is that Beyond Chicken "breaks apart in your mouth more easily than real chicken, so you won’t get strips of it stuck in your teeth."

Well, there are other differences, too. For one, it's not actually meat.

But if the makers of "Beyond Meat" are right, this stuff's eventually going to be everywhere. As "Beyond Meat" founder Ethan Brown told Manjoo:

“Once, we had the horse-drawn carriage, and then we had the horse-less carriage, and then we had the automobile,” he says. “I’m firmly convinced we’re going to go from beef and chicken products that are animal in origin to those that are made with plants -- and at some point in the future you’ll walk down the aisle of the supermarket and ask for beef and chicken, and like the automobile has no relationship to the horse, what you get will have nothing to do with animals.”

Riiiight. Instead of beef or chicken, we really ought to get chemically-processed soy products instead.

On the bright side, at least this chicken substitute isn't made of human excrement.

Wing Bowl XX

It's the Friday before the Super Bowl, and you know what that means, right?

WING BOWL!

Yep -- it's the annual Super Bowl for competitive chicken wing eaters! Held at Philadelphia's Wells Fargo Center, the Wing Bowl is one of competitive eating's showcase events, with thousands of spectators in attendance, including "the Wingettes, the name given to the bikini- and lingerie-wearing young women who make up each eater's contingent of supporters."

More than 125 Wingettes, a record for the event, competed to be declared "Wingette of the Year." Nicole, a pretty brunette, won the title and a 2012 Harley Davidson Sportster motorcycle. Also attending the event as featured Wingettes were adult film actresses Jenna Jameson and Mary Carey.

Clearly, the Wing Bowl is totally legit!

The winner? The legendary Takeru Kobayashi, who downed 337 wings in 30 minutes:

(I love how the reporter assumes that the native of Japan isn't accustomed to eating chicken wings. For the record: (1) people in Japan eat chicken wings, and (2) Kobayashi will eat just about anything.)

I was actually rooting for Bill "El Wingador" Simmons after watching Errol Morris' insanely great mini-documentary on the wing-eater on NYTimes.com. (Check it out here.) Sadly, El Wingador placed a distant third, having eaten just 251 wings. (It was, however, a PR for him.) I guess practicing swallowing a baseball-sized sphere of a hundred-plus Tootsie Rolls didn't pay off for Simmons.

Personally, I'm still waiting for this to happen at one of these events:

Seven Signs of the Foodpocalypse

1. Darth Vader Burgers -- soon available in France and Belgium!

2. Chicken & Waffle Wings -- because how else are you going to eat chicken and waffles in the car?

3. Bacon Soda -- swine plus sugar water equals yum!

4. Mountain Dew -- it dissolves rats!

5. Dulche de Leche Cheerios -- they're "naturally flavored" with caramel!

6. Chocolate Covered Totino's Pizza Rolls -- because why the hell not?

7. SPAM Mints -- for hot dates who love Hormel products.

Not everyone's trying to eat healthier this January, I guess.

You Cook, I'll Shoot

While M and Big-O cooked dinner (using a fantastic fried chicken recipe from Paleo Comfort Foods, the brand new cookbook by our friends Julie & Charles Mayfield), I was messing around with our DSLR. And for the first time ever, I tried shooting video with the camera. (Yes, I know it's ridiculous that we've had it for months and I hadn't played around with the video function before today.)

Here's the result:

 

Eating the Kool-Aid

If you're anywhere close to Del Mar, please get to Chicken Charlie's at the San Diego County Fair and tell 'em they need to increase the temperature of their frying oil. That shit ain't bubbling, yo.

And while you're there, order me a deep-fried Girl Scout cookie and/or a deep-fried Krispy Kreme donut & chicken sandwich and FedEx it to my house. Thank you.

[Source]

Previously: I Hope That Butter Was Fried in Butter

Grilled Chicken Hearts: It's What's for Dinner

A delicious part of our six-year-old's birthday dinner tonight:

And yes, he ate it. (He picked the restaurant.)

Chicken Nuggets, Anyone?

For those of you who aren't yet convinced that food from factory farms and industrial slaughterhouses are barftastic, check this out.

This is mechanically separated chicken.

It’s what all fast-food chicken is made from—things like chicken nuggets and patties. Also, the processed frozen chicken in the stores is made from it.

Basically, the entire chicken is smashed and pressed through a sieve—bones, eyes, guts, and all. it comes out looking like this.

There’s more: because it’s crawling with bacteria, it will be washed with ammonia, soaked in it, actually. Then, because it tastes gross, it will be reflavored artificially. Then, because it is weirdly pink, it will be dyed with artificial color.

Yes, this is coming from a guy who enjoys sweetbreads, lengua and head cheese. And it turns out that things aren't quite as nasty as dire as the picture painted above. But still.

(Source: Early Onset of Night)