'Tis The Season for Brown Candy Canes

Available on Amazon.com:

Mark my words: Next year, we'll be seeing Doritos Locos Tacos-flavored candy canes.

Bizarro Food of the Day

1. Butterfinger Buzz. "Crispety, crunchety, peanut-buttery bar with caffeine!"

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2. Cheerwine-Filled Krispy Kreme Donuts. "[A] true celebration of two southern heritage icons doing something quite magical for loyal fans in the south." Fun fact: "Something quite magical" is code for "diabetes."

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3. S'mores Sliders. I can't decide whether I want to: (A) eat this, or (B) vomit.

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Time for lunch!

20 Things About Kauai

A list of random things we learned during our week on Kauai:

ONE: With a kitchen (and a sister-in-law who cooks for a living!), it’s easy to eat Paleo on Kauai.

TWO: However, the farmer’s markets are overpriced; the same locally-grown produce can be found for a lot cheaper at roadside stands or even Banana Joe’s (where you can also treat yourself to a Paleo-friendly frozen treat on a hot, sticky day).

THREE: The Costco near the airport is incredible. No crowds or lines -- even on weekends! -- and tons of great stuff you can’t get on the mainland. Plus: cheap(er) gas.

FOUR: Best sources of grassfed beef: The Chevron gas station convenience store at the Princeville Center (I kid you not) and the meat counter at Kojima Market in Kapa’a. But don’t go on Wednesdays or Sundays -- they’re closed.

FIVE: We weren’t able to consume four pounds of butter in one week, but as a family, we easily polished off four dozen eggs, twelve avocados, and countless coconuts and macadamia nuts.

SIX: The least attractive sights on Kauai are Hawaii's anti-meth posters.

SEVEN: Purple sweet potatoes are tasty (and pretty!), but take forever to cook in the oven. Microwave ‘em instead.

EIGHT: Kauai CrossFit is a fantastic place to get your WOD on. Want a challenging workout in a jaw-dropping setting alongside friendly, laid-back (but firebreathing) CrossFitters? Get in touch with Jerome.

NINE: When Big-O says he’s carsick and he’s gonna hurl, he’s not kidding.

TEN: I like the citrus-y, banana-y, pineapple-y taste of soursop, but the slimy texture is a turn-off.

ELEVEN: Wild roosters are everywhere: strip mall parking lots, the middle of the highway, behind restaurants, our front yard. And they don’t limit their crowing to daybreak.

TWELVE: Lil-O appears to be immune to bug bites. Everyone else in our family? Not so much.

THIRTEEN: I'm pretty sure Hawaii state law requires every radio station to play Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours" every hour, on the hour, in perpetuity.

FOURTEEN: Coconut M&Ms exist.

FIFTEEN: So do Macadamia Roca candies.

SIXTEEN: Favorite restaurant on the island: Bar Acuda in Hanalei.

SEVENTEEN: M can rip open coconuts open with her bare hands.

EIGHTEEN: Best hot tub snack: Beef jerky.

NINETEEN: This time, unlike our last couple of trips to Kauai, we didn’t snorkel, take a helicopter ride, hike to hidden beaches/waterfalls, or almost disappear off the side of a treacherous cliff.

TWENTY: But lounging around for a week with my insanely awesome family in an insanely awesome house with insanely awesome views and an insanely awesome pool was insanely awesome nonetheless.

Aloha!

"Peepshi" is Japanese for Diabetes

Because Easter is about sugar, corn syrup, gelatin and carnauba wax.


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A Modern Stone Age Family Indeed

To the outside world, the Flintstones appeared to be enjoying a perfectly Paleo lifestyle. They ate eggs:

And meat:

They moved around a lot:

And lifted heavy things:

But brace yourselves: Mounting evidence suggests that the Flintstones weren't, in fact, as Paleo-compliant as we have been led to believe. Believe ir or not, research indicates that they ingested all sorts of NEOLITHIC AGENTS OF DISEASE!

Consider, for example, this!





And this!

And this!

And this!

And this!

And this!

And this!



Let's hope Captain Caveman was better about hewing closer to an ancestral diet. Otherwise, I swear I'm going to stop watching (as many) Hanna-Barbera cartoons.

No Deadlifts, But Here's Another Slice of Pizza

Zach Nicolay posted an excellent article over at EliteFTS that eviscerates Planet Fitness, the chain of low-cost globo-gyms that cater mainly to budget-minded folks who are taking their first (extremely) tentative steps off the couch. Read it here.

I'm sure that every January, legions of couch potatoes who've resolved to finally join a gym end up choosing Planet Fitness. After all, the monthly fee is dirt-cheap (just $10!), you don't have to sign a long-term contract, the bright purple cardio and weight machines are easy to use, and you're encouraged to not exercise very hard. Half-assed occasional gym-goers, rejoice!

But despite the chain's promise of "no judgments," the staff will most certainly judge your ass if they decide you're working out with any level of real effort. Why? Because it makes the other members feel bad about themselves.

In fact, if you exercise with such intensity that your exhalations become audible, a "LUNK ALARM" goes off. According to Planet Fitness, a "lunk" is someone who "grunts, drops weights, or judges." Apparently, it's also someone who tries to perform "unapproved lifts" at the gym, including deadlifts. (I'm not kidding.)

So what happens when the Lunk Alarm sounds? The staff'll kick you out and/or call the cops.



And that's not all: Planet Fitness offers members free pizza, bagels and candy. You know, health food.

The first Monday of every month is Pizza Day. Unlimited pizza for members, all day. They also have a Bagel Day, and on their own website they mention that they hand out over one million Tootsie Rolls per month to their members. That’s it, I’m calling conspiracy on this one! They set up this “judgment free” gym for “regular” people -no pressure, no contracts, no goals- and they give their clients free pizza and tootsie rolls? It’s a scheme, and they’re either the most wicked businesspeople on earth or the smartest. Or maybe both.

It's like a Chuck E. Cheese's, but with elliptical machines.

Don't Waste Your Cheats

I love this bit of bullshit from Redbook Magazine, which has an online gallery of "Healthy Halloween Candy" selected by Lisa Lillien of "Hungry Girl" fame. According to Redbook: "You can get through October without going up a costume size! Just follow Hungry Girl Lisa Lillien's healthy advice."

Yes, let's. According to Lillien, the "healthiest" Halloween candies include:

3 Musketeers Minis
(24 calories, less than 1g fat)
"You'll save calories if you go for chocolates with light and airy insides instead of denser fillings."

Fun-size Lemonheads
(50 calories, 0g fat for 10 pieces)
"Most fruit-flavored hard candies have reasonable calorie counts. But tart ones take longer to eat!"

York Peppermint Pattie
(140 calories, 2.5g fat)
"Light and airy filling means fewer calories; plus, intense mint and dark-chocolate flavors really satisfy."

Peeps Pumpkins
(16 calories, 0g fat)
"Fluffy, sweet, and low-cal? Yes please! Six of these babies still come in under 100 calories."

Hey, Hungry Girl -- perhaps you're hungry because YOU'RE STARVING YOUR BODY OF CALORIES WHILE INDISCRIMINATELY JACKING UP YOUR SUGAR INTAKE.

If you're somebody who has trouble laying off the Halloween candy, consider this: Just about everything that people hand out on Halloween night is utter crap. I don't just mean that it's bad for you -- I mean it doesn't look, smell, or taste good. I can understand wanting to sample a nibble or two of Amedei chocolate from Tuscany. But a stale marshmallow crusted with fluorescent orange sugar from the discount aisle at Walgreens? Or chalky-looking milk chocolate-covered "SUGAR, CORN SYRUP, HYDROGENATED PALM KERNEL OIL AND/OR PALM OIL"?

It ain't worth it, people. Don't waste your cheats on shit.

And on that note, Happy Halloween!