Is Alcohol Paleo?

Ah, summer weekends. The perfect time for getting your drink on, right?

Well, maybe not for us Paleo nerds. After all, our prehistoric ancestors never kicked back with a bottle of Colt 45. Cavemen didn’t frequent bars or brew their own IPA.



But then again...this isn’t about historical reenactment. And didn’t I hear someone say something about the benefits of red wine?

I smell a debate, so let’s dive into some of the pros and cons to boozing it up on a Paleo diet.

PROS:

• The polyphenols in red wine -- and resveratrol in particular -- have been linked to numerous health benefits. (And as Loren Cordain pointed out many moons ago, a couple of glasses of red wine a day won’t make you fat.)

• Stress is pro-inflammatory. In low-to-moderate amounts, alcohol can help reduce stress.

• Some drunks can be incredibly entertaining. Especially the Hoff.

• Plus, beer is awesome for infants (I kid).

CONS:

• Beer equals liquid grain. As you all know, grains are eeevil. So unless you’re drinking the gluten-free stuff, beer is off-limits for those of us on Team Paleo.

• A bunch of spirits also contain some amount of gluten (even those that are distilled): gin, some vodka, whiskey, bourbon. If you’re gonna partake, stick with tequila, white rum, potato vodka. (Not to be confused with Pringles and Smirnoff.)

• Mixed drinks are often loaded with sugar. Sugar bad.

• If you’re male, alcohol may screw up your sex hormones. Studies show that alcohol metabolism can cause “testicular injury and impair[] testosterone synthesis and sperm production.” Oh, and “breast enlargement,” too. 

• Researchers have linked alcohol consumption to cancer (though the studies appear to be epidemiological in nature). 

• Beer goggles.

For me, the decision’s a pretty easy one. See, I’m of Asian descent, and most of us have a genetic mutation that limits our livers’ ability to process alcohol. (If we imbibe too much, we get red and sweaty and vomit. It’s somewhat less fun than it sounds.) I’ve had my share of alcohol-sodden episodes, but Paleo or not, those days are well behind me.

But if I were you (meaning a person who can’t bear the thought of life without regularly tossing one back)? I guess I’d stick with red wine. Of course, there’ll probably be times when you feel it’s totally worth it to indulge. (Think weddings, Irish wakes, getting dumped, etc.). For those occasions, just remember that a NorCal Margarita or a vodka tonic & water are better choices than a hefeweizen. If the elimination of beer from your diet is an absolute non-starter, at least give the gluten-free stuff a shot.

Better yet, just abstain and save the money you would've spent on alcohol. College tuition ain't cheap, yo.

CrossFit "Laura"

There's a difference between SIC and sick.

Case in point: The "Laura" WOD:

• Row 500 meters
• Chug a beer in 60 seconds
• Row 500 meters
• Eat an ice cream bar in 60 seconds
• Row 500 meters
• Eat a pie in 60 seconds
• Do 15 burpees

This workout (performed by Laura from CrossFit Melbourne) looks worse than anything else I've ever done. Not only does it heavily emphasize rowing (my nemesis), but also the ingestion of all sorts of non-Paleo awfulness -- and finishing with burpees. If it were me, I'm pretty sure that yellow bucket would be put to good use.

Happy Beer Day

If you woke up this morning and your first thought was "I'M GETTIN MY DRINK ON!", then check out Serious Eat's taste-test of various gluten-free beers.

(The verdict, by the way: Go with St. Peter's Sorghum Beer.)

But if you're like me, you're more worried about being assaulted for neglecting to wear green today.

A Modern Stone Age Family Indeed

To the outside world, the Flintstones appeared to be enjoying a perfectly Paleo lifestyle. They ate eggs:

And meat:

They moved around a lot:

And lifted heavy things:

But brace yourselves: Mounting evidence suggests that the Flintstones weren't, in fact, as Paleo-compliant as we have been led to believe. Believe ir or not, research indicates that they ingested all sorts of NEOLITHIC AGENTS OF DISEASE!

Consider, for example, this!





And this!

And this!

And this!

And this!

And this!

And this!



Let's hope Captain Caveman was better about hewing closer to an ancestral diet. Otherwise, I swear I'm going to stop watching (as many) Hanna-Barbera cartoons.

Healthiest Beer?

According to The Daily Beast, the "healthiest beer" on the market is something called I.C. Light, with 95 calories and 2.8 grams of carbs per 12 ounce serving. And the most "fattening" beer is Leinenkugel Berry Weiss, at 207 calories and 28 grams of carbs.

I can't figure out how the Beast arrived at these results -- as the Brookston Beer Bulletin pointed out, they appear to be applying "some weird calculation that took into account calories, carbohydrates and alcohol content." Oddly enough, alcohol content seems to be the deciding factor that kept Michelob Ultra from taking the top "healthy" spot. (It has the same number of calories as I.C. Light, and is slightly less carb-y, but I.C. Light has a tiny bit more alcohol.) Does increased alcohol content correlate with better health? Baffling.

Whatever. A bunch of these "healthy" beers look gross, anyway. (The consensus among beer aficionados: I.C. Light is "not worthy.") Drink water instead.