Pork Molded in the Shape of a Small Pig

Along with Spam and the McRib, this...thing heralds the coming of boneless, skinless, processed, organ-less pork. Oh, and the apocalypse, too.

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20 Things About Kauai

A list of random things we learned during our week on Kauai:

ONE: With a kitchen (and a sister-in-law who cooks for a living!), it’s easy to eat Paleo on Kauai.

TWO: However, the farmer’s markets are overpriced; the same locally-grown produce can be found for a lot cheaper at roadside stands or even Banana Joe’s (where you can also treat yourself to a Paleo-friendly frozen treat on a hot, sticky day).

THREE: The Costco near the airport is incredible. No crowds or lines -- even on weekends! -- and tons of great stuff you can’t get on the mainland. Plus: cheap(er) gas.

FOUR: Best sources of grassfed beef: The Chevron gas station convenience store at the Princeville Center (I kid you not) and the meat counter at Kojima Market in Kapa’a. But don’t go on Wednesdays or Sundays -- they’re closed.

FIVE: We weren’t able to consume four pounds of butter in one week, but as a family, we easily polished off four dozen eggs, twelve avocados, and countless coconuts and macadamia nuts.

SIX: The least attractive sights on Kauai are Hawaii's anti-meth posters.

SEVEN: Purple sweet potatoes are tasty (and pretty!), but take forever to cook in the oven. Microwave ‘em instead.

EIGHT: Kauai CrossFit is a fantastic place to get your WOD on. Want a challenging workout in a jaw-dropping setting alongside friendly, laid-back (but firebreathing) CrossFitters? Get in touch with Jerome.

NINE: When Big-O says he’s carsick and he’s gonna hurl, he’s not kidding.

TEN: I like the citrus-y, banana-y, pineapple-y taste of soursop, but the slimy texture is a turn-off.

ELEVEN: Wild roosters are everywhere: strip mall parking lots, the middle of the highway, behind restaurants, our front yard. And they don’t limit their crowing to daybreak.

TWELVE: Lil-O appears to be immune to bug bites. Everyone else in our family? Not so much.

THIRTEEN: I'm pretty sure Hawaii state law requires every radio station to play Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours" every hour, on the hour, in perpetuity.

FOURTEEN: Coconut M&Ms exist.

FIFTEEN: So do Macadamia Roca candies.

SIXTEEN: Favorite restaurant on the island: Bar Acuda in Hanalei.

SEVENTEEN: M can rip open coconuts open with her bare hands.

EIGHTEEN: Best hot tub snack: Beef jerky.

NINETEEN: This time, unlike our last couple of trips to Kauai, we didn’t snorkel, take a helicopter ride, hike to hidden beaches/waterfalls, or almost disappear off the side of a treacherous cliff.

TWENTY: But lounging around for a week with my insanely awesome family in an insanely awesome house with insanely awesome views and an insanely awesome pool was insanely awesome nonetheless.

Aloha!

10 Items From Kauai's Costco That Your Costco Doesn't Carry

1. Two aisles of nothin' but macadamia nuts (chocolate-covered and otherwise).

2. A fridge case full of sashimi-grade ahi tuna.

3. Leis made of candy.

4. Fresh poke.

5. Poi, poi, and more poi.

6. Chicken & pork lau lau (surprisingly Paleo -- complete list of ingredients: taro leaves, chicken/pork, butterfish, salt).

7. Kalua Pork -- also pretty darn Paleo.

8. Char-Siu Manapua -- for people who want their pork slathered in sugar and encased in a sweet, fluffy bun.

9. Hawaiian Purple Sweet Potatoes (a.k.a., post-workout snacks).

10. My personal favorite: "Luau" fruit punch syrup -- obesity in liquid form!

But no matter which Costco you visit, please remember that cheese ravioli ain't Paleo.