The P90X Book Club

Quite a few of the folks in the P90X videos have made films, ranging from comedies to dramas to hardcore porn. But did you know that even more of 'em write books?

Tony Horton wrote one. (IMHO, it's not very good, but whatever.)

So did Pam the Blam (under her "Nashieqa Washington" pen name).

And let's not forget Mark Sisson.

The latest author to emerge from the P90X ranks? Joe Bovino.

I know it's been awhile, but you remember Joe from the "P90X Shoulders & Arms" video, right? The guy with fully-shaved armpits? He's written a book describing the "ethnic and regional subcultures of American women" in the format of a bird watching guidebook.

And no, I'm not making this up.

You have no idea how much I wish I had a copy of the book to review for you, but the "Field Guide to Chicks" isn't out yet. You can, however, click here to visit Joe's Facebook page and check out a preview of the book.



I swear: P90X is a gift that just keeps giving.

(Thanks to David Kohrell for the heads-up!)

Dreya Works While You Eat

Are you a P90X obsessive? Are you stalking a fan of Dreya Weber? Can you endure an evening of dinner theater? If you answered "yes" to all three, then head over to Teatro ZinZanni in San Francisco. Dreya's appearing as Cleopatra in "Hail Caesar!" through October 31. (Her cast bio can be found here.)

While you're there, maybe you can catch her eye by showing off your supreme mastery of the Dreya Forearm Stretch.

(Source: FitSugar)

Round 2 / Day 80: P90X Shoulders & Arms + Ab Ripper X

Is it just me, or is Tony the only person in the Shoulders & Arms workout who hasn't shaved his armpits?

Could it be that Tony's the least vain of the bunch?

Up in the Air

Last night at the Grammy Awards, Pink -- a P90X devotee who has featured Dreya Weber's aerialist work in her concerts -- busted out some high-flying acrobatics of her own:

Round 2 / Day 17: P90X Shoulders & Arms + Ab Ripper X

Once again, I shortened my rest breaks, skipped the cool-down and didn't stop to listen to Tony's pointless banter, and managed to shorten the workout (while still doing all the moves) by almost 20 minutes.

Frankly, I just don't care how many reps Daniel Haas aims to crank out. Nor do I care about Dreya Weber's favorite soup or how much Tony thinks he physically resembles Joe Bovino and Bobby Stephenson. (By the way, they're all athletic white guys with dark hair, but only one comes across a total douchebag.)

Round 2 / Day 12: P90X Core Synergistics

I tried not to pig out last night, but it was still nice to get up early and dive into a full-body workout like Core Syn. I enjoy the various resistance and core-strengthening moves, and the fact that I don't have to do Ab Ripper X today. And even though I'm not a fan of Dreya Rolls, I've discovered that I can pop up with a twisting jump on each rep like Ms. Weber herself. (I look ridiculous, but I'm proud nonetheless.)

Round 2 / Day 5: P90X Legs & Back + Ab Ripper X

After yesterday's barefoot-run-plus-Insanity stupidity, I knew my legs were in for a world of hurt today. So I popped in the X Stretch DVD last night and devoted an hour to various body contortions in a futile attempt to stave off the impending soreness. (Yes, I've read that stretching actually doesn't do shit, but it felt good.)

When I rolled out of bed at 5:30 a.m., my legs felt like they were in casts. The simple act of bending my knees was less than fun. But by the time I robotically shuffled into the kitchen and gobbled down my supplements and some yogurt, I felt better. And after following along with Tony's slooooow, familiar stretching routine preceding Legs & Back (such a fucking relief after experiencing Shaun T's supersonic-speed "warm-ups"), my legs actually felt halfway decent. My calves still ached a bit, but otherwise, I was ready to go.

Weirdly enough, I enjoyed Legs & Back today. I used to dread this routine; I hated the pull-ups and wall squats and Dreya Weber's super-maximum-kiss-ass-iness. But having now completed a full round of P90X, I don't feel the need to beat myself up about my occasional inability to match my previous week's rep count, or the fact that I need to take an occasional break. Given that my goal now is to simply maintain my current fitness level, I can dial myself back to 9 or 9.5 without feeling (too) guilty. And I know this is going to sound bizarre to those who are just starting P90X and struggling with pull-ups, but now that I know how many I can crank out, they're getting to be kind of fun.

I still hate doing Bicycles during Ab Ripper X, though.

My Interview with Pam the Blam - Part Three

Parts One and Two were just the appetizers, folks. Part Three of my interview with Pam the Blam is the main course: It's all about the P90X video shoot.

Check it out after the jump.

Aerialist, Acrobat, Actress

I roll my eyes every time Tony gushes and crushes over Dreya Weber during a workout.  Isn't it enough that her glamor shots are plastered on all the P90X packaging and posters?  Or that she's the only one of Tony's minions featured in the P90X supplement commercials with Mark "The Zombie" Sisson?  How many times does Tony have to remind us that she's a "world-famous aerialist and gymnast" or that she "flies through the air with the greatest of ease"?  Why is Dreya the only person asked to demonstrate a move before everyone else does it? Just how many P90X exercises has Tony named after her? And will he ever tire of hollering about how he thinks she's "GORGEOUS"?

As a point of comparison, all that Tony says about Bipedal Eric (not to be confused with Erik Stolhanske) is that he's "pure gristle" and that he "lives on a boat," evoking images of desiccated beef jerky and the Gorton's Fisherman.

For her part, Dreya appears to relish her status as teacher's pet.  She beams when Tony heaps praise on her, and curtsies with an overly dramatic flourish when Tony gives her credit for inventing -- no, wait, introducing him to -- Three Way Lunges.  While showing off during a lunge exercise in Legs & Back, Dreya tries to score even more brownie points by proposing to modify the move: "What if I push off with my heel instead of my toe?"  (Thankfully, Tony was uncharacteristically dismissive.  "I don't care," he says.)  Even outside of P90X, Dreya comes across as pretentious; she name-drops like crazy (she's worked with Madonna! And Pink! And Britney!) and calls herself "omnisexual" (because identifying oneself as "bisexual" is too narrow and pedestrian for the "GORGEOUS DREYA WEBER").

But in the end, I have to admit that my criticisms of Dreya largely stem from jealousy.  Dreya's obviously a phenomenal athlete who's managed to leverage her acting, artistic and athletic skills into a successful career in a notoriously tough industry.  She's a total Renaissance woman -- and I haven't even mentioned the fact that she released two albums while performing in an early-'90s folk rock duo called Common Cents.

Granted, she comes across on film like a watered-down version of Tilda Swinton, and I'm not clamoring to rent "The Gymnast" anytime soon, but after watching Dreya's acting and aerialist reels (especially the latter), I can't help but be a little awed.

P90X Day 53: X Stretch

I was happy to wake up to X Stretch this morning.  I didn't have to worry about slipping around on a sweaty mat, balancing precariously on one foot while twisting myself into a pretzel or squeezing out one last pull-up.  Instead, I enjoyed a relaxing morning stretch, and even treated myself by skipping my least favorite move: the utterly pointless "Dreya Forearm Stretch."  Either I'm not doing it right, or it's just dumb.  I say it's the latter.  And given that it's my birthday today, you're required (by law) to agree with me.
  
(Incidentally, I've discovered that I'm not a big fan of anything in P90X that starts with the word "Dreya," including Dreya Forearm Stretches, Dreya Rolls and Dreya Weber.  More on that later.)

P90X Day 44: Plyometrics (& A Note About Erik Stolhanske)

Plyo's my favorite of all the cardio-centric P90X videos, and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that Erik, one of Tony's workout minions, is performing all the moves on a prosthetic leg. Watching him nail each one of the leaps, jumps, lunges and squats on just one foot reminds me that I have no excuse for being lazy or sloppy during Plyo. Erik's agility and coordination perfectly demonstrate how people with physical disabilities can kick massive quantities of ass.

There is, however, one Erik-related piece of business that bugs me every time I watch Plyo:

Tony, who babbles about the day jobs of just about every single one of his trainers (Sophia's studying to be a dentist! Dreya's a world-famous aerialist and gymnast! Phil and Joe are attorneys! Katie's an interior decorator! Dave's a substitute teacher and a karate man! Pam's a private investigator! Adam's a dancer and a trainer!), NEVER ONCE MENTIONS that Erik Stolhanske is a member of the Broken Lizard comedy group and an incredibly successful movie actor, screenwriter and comedian to boot.

Just an oversight? I don't think so. Last month, Tony Horton posted on Facebook a list of all the celebrities he believes have tried P90X. He goes so far as to include an L.A.-based local news anchor, but Erik is nowhere to be found on the list.

Perhaps this stems from professional jealousy. Tony's co-starring role in a soft-core porn flick doesn't stack up well against Erik's guest-starring spots on critically acclaimed shows like "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and "Six Feet Under," or against his writing credits and starring roles in movies like "Beerfest," "Club Dread" and "Super Troopers." But given that Tony can't seem to shut up about everyone else's jobs, would it kill him to acknowledge that Erik's more than just a guy who can jump around on a plastic leg?

[Want to learn more about the P90X gang? Click to read about Tony Horton's acting career, Dreya Weber's omnisexuality, Maren's hardcore porn stardom, Muscular Attorney Phil's lie-detecting capabilities, Wesley Idol's bafflingly half-assed performance in Kenpo X, Joe Bovino's cross-cultural dating expertise, and Pam the Blam's alter ego, Nashieqa Washington.]

Tony Horton After Dark

Tony Horton has said in interviews that he moved to California years ago because “I wanted to be an actor.” He landed an agent, who told him he needed to get in better shape, which ultimately led to Tony’s incredibly successful career as a trainer and fitness guru.

But this got me thinking: Did Tony ever land any acting jobs?

My online sleuthing (i.e., Google searching) reveals that Tony took on the role of a guy named “Chad” in “The Gymnast,” a 2006 film starring Dreya Weber of P90X fame. This was a couple of years after the P90X series was shot, so I’m assuming Dreya remained friends with Tony despite his inappropriate workplace conduct.

Better yet, it appears that a certain "Tony Sawyer Horton" (his middle name’s no secret -- he put it on his Facebook page) played a detective in “Rebecca’s Secret,” a late night, premium-cable soft-core porn movie. (I have to point out that I totally called this, people.) The movie’s many taglines include "In the Lingerie Business, You're Always Dressed to Kill" and my personal favorite: “Full of Erotic Action Just for You.”

Look, I'm not judging. I recognize that acting gigs aren't easy to get, and it's not like Tony journeyed into the Valley and became a drug-addled Dirk Diggler type. A job's a job, and if it involves a lot of naked people and simulated intercourse, so be it. Besides, I have no idea if he so much as doffed his shirt on camera, as I'm unwilling to fork out $373.90 to order the "Rebecca's Secret" DVD from Amazon to see whether Tony himself actually engaged in any onscreen “Erotic Action Just for You."

Still, I think we can all agree that Tony's decision to abandon tastefully-shot adult entertainment for a career in fitness and exercise was the right one. I, for one, would much rather watch him demonstrate plyo push-ups than catch him on Cinemax pretending to make slow-motion love to a cosmetically-enhanced B-movie starlet in a dimly-lit swimming pool while the bluesy saxophone number wails oh-so-seductively in the background.

[UPDATE 1: Sadly, it turns out Tony only has a bit part in the flick, and his single two-minute scene is anything but scandalous.]

[UPDATE 2: Okay, so Tony's not a porn star. But it turns out that Maren is.]

P90X Day 5: Legs & Back + Ab Ripper X

Today's program is Legs & Back. "Back," apparently, means pull-ups. Lots and lots of pull-ups. More pull-ups than I've ever attempted in any other single hour of my life. At the end of the session, Tony grins and says: "And for some of you, you just did over 120 pull-ups!"

Not me. Not even close. I managed only about 75, half of which were done with a leg supported on a stool.

Is it possible to feel strong and weak at the same time? Because I do.

The majority of the session focused on lower body strength, and some of the leg exercises were killer -- especially the wall squats. By the end, even the calf raises (which I initially thought looked cheesy) were killer.

Here's what I got to do today:

• Balance Lunges
• Calf-Raise Squats
• Reverse Grip Chin-Ups
• Super Skaters
• Wall Squats
• Wide Front Pull-Ups
• Step Back Lunges
• Alternating Side Lunges
• Closed Grip Overhand Pull-Ups
• Single-Leg Wall Squats
• Deadlift Squats
• Switch Grip Pull-Ups
• Ballistic Stretches
• Three-Way Lunges with Two-Kick Option
• Sneaky Lunges
• Reverse Grip Chin-Ups (again)
• Chair Salutations
• Toe-Roll Iso Lunges
• Wide Front Pull-Ups (again)
• Groucho Walks
• Calf Raises
• Closed Grip Overhand Pull-Ups (again)
• 80/20 Siebers-Speed Squats
• Switch Grip Pull-Ups (again)

And don't forget another round of Ab Ripper X. Fuuuuuck.

On another note: Tony ought to spend less time sexually harassing Dreya Weber, the blonde fitness model/trainer in the video. I haven't watched many workout videos before, but I'm pretty sure it's not typical for the lead male trainer to give a sweaty hug to one of his female models after the workout is over. Or to watch her take off a sweatshirt and remark: "Uh-oh! The top is coming off!"

Tony offers a "Tip of the Day" in each of his videos, so in the spirit of P90X, here's mine: If your name is Dreya Weber, you should consider contacting Beachbody's Human Resources department.