Round 2 / Day 73: Back & Biceps + Ab Ripper X

Why is everyone in this video so damn chatty? Bobby Stephenson, Timmy the Marine and Katie the Giggly Interior Designer all evidently feel the need to chime in with bad jokes, set-up lines for Tony, and other unnecessary commentary.

Shhhh.

(Admittedly, my tolerance level is especially low today because I'm under the weather -- one of the occupational hazards of being a dad to two little germ-magnets, I guess.)

Round 2 / Day 17: P90X Shoulders & Arms + Ab Ripper X

Once again, I shortened my rest breaks, skipped the cool-down and didn't stop to listen to Tony's pointless banter, and managed to shorten the workout (while still doing all the moves) by almost 20 minutes.

Frankly, I just don't care how many reps Daniel Haas aims to crank out. Nor do I care about Dreya Weber's favorite soup or how much Tony thinks he physically resembles Joe Bovino and Bobby Stephenson. (By the way, they're all athletic white guys with dark hair, but only one comes across a total douchebag.)

Scotty Fifer Saves the World

Scott Fifer appears in just one P90X video (Chest & Back), but I curse his name every other day during Ab Ripper X. Whenever Tony maniacally announces that "IT'S TIME FOR FIFER SCISSORS," P90Xers everywhere emit a collective groan.

I've learned, however, that Mr. Fancy Blue Shoes is good at more than just scissoring his legs up and down.

For starters, as evidenced by his Class of 1979 yearbook photo, he sported an awesome Mark (Dorothy?) Hamill wedge cut in high school (though recent photos show that his Luke Skywalker hair has apparently gone MIA):

During college, he was a Senate aide to the late Ted Kennedy.  After graduation, he studied acting in New York for a year, attended law school in Boston, and toiled as an associate in a prominent (but now defunct) law firm for a number of years.

Fifer then relocated to California to become a screenwriter, penning scripts for "Beverly Hills 90210" and other television shows.  He co-wrote a bunch of award shows (including the Emmy Awards), and produced a Lifetime TV movie-of-the-week called "Twice Upon a Time" (starring Molly Ringwald and her dad).

But most impressive of all?  Fifer created and leads a prominent and respected non-profit foundation dedicated to the care of orphans and vulnerable children in other countries. According to his organization's website:

GO Campaign raises awareness and funds for those programs that would otherwise fall through the cracks, those programs which provide basic human needs to children such as shelter, food, clean water, education, medical care, vocational training, and income-generating activities.

In partnership with small grassroots organizations in the developing world, GO Campaign is currently helping children in Rwanda, Kenya, Tanzania, Malawi, Cambodia, China, Guatamala and Peru by funneling resources to programs run by local community leaders.  (To find out how you can help, visit GO Campaign's website.)

I'm still sore (literally) at Scott Fifer for inflicting pain upon my midsection three times a week, but how can I send hate mail to a guy who's done so much for underprivileged kids across the globe?

And to top it all off, he just started another round of P90X last month with Bobby Stephenson and Tony Horton, thus reuniting all the guys in the Chest & Back video.  (Maren and her German potato soup don't appear to have been invited, though, so maybe I can still muster up a bit of indignance towards Scott Fifer.)

P90X Day 66: Back & Biceps + Ab Ripper X

In Back & Biceps, Tony calls Towel Pull-Ups "one of [his] personal favorites," but that's because he's superhuman (and a show-off).  Me?  I can't stand them.

First of all, there's the whole wetting-the-towel thing.  Tony recommends that you soak your already-damp sweat rag with water from your bottle, which means: (1) your saturated towel will be rendered incapable of soaking up the perspiration that's puddling in your bodily creases and folds, (2) you're going to have to refill your now-depleted water bottle, and (3) you're probably going to spill water all over your mat or living room rug. The alternative, of course, is to keep your towel dry, but it'll be much harder to grip.

Then, there are the actual pull-ups themselves. I have difficulty even throwing the towel up and over the pull-up bar on the first try.  And when I try to do a pull-up with one hand gripping the bar and the other one gripping the dripping towel, it feels like my puny forearm muscles are going to rip apart.  I have a weak grip (unless I'm giving a handshake, in which case I squeeze extra hard so the recipient will marvel at my manliness and hand strength), so I'm sure I'd struggle with Towel Pull-Ups even if they were my first exercise of the day.  But in Back & Biceps, Tony introduces these fuckers a half-hour into the session -- AFTER we've already suffered through three sets of pull-ups (including the obscenely crazy Corn Cob Pull-ups), three sets of various back rows, and six sets of bicep-blasting curls.  Bastard.

As you can probably tell, I crashed and burned with Towel Pull-Ups today, managing to crank out only a handful before having to finish up the set with my foot on the washing machine.

On the plus side: With the exception of the aforementioned disaster, I cruised through Back & Biceps without much trouble.  It helps that I now know what to expect -- from Twenty Ones to In-Out Hammer Curls.  So without having to concentrate on how to perform the moves, I can now focus on more pressing matters, like how Bobby Stephenson needs a haircut, and how Katie the Interior Designer needs to be quiet.

Tony is Concerned About the Kids

Typical Tony Horton move:

He starts a set by grabbing a pair of inappropriately heavy dumbbells, and making sure everyone knows about it. "I'm pickin' FORTY-FIVES myself!" he exclaims. "I'm a FORTY-FIVE man. I got MY weapons. What do YOU got, Bobby?" Bobby -- knowing he'll have to complete every single one of his reps, had planned to use 40-pound weights, but is shamed by Tony into switching to heavier dumbbells. Tony laughs at him. (Of course, if Bobby later switches back to a lighter set of weights, Tony's line is: "Bobby picked the wrong weight; he THOUGHT he was a HERO.")

He then counts down: "Okay, everybody's doing TWENTY-FIVE REPS here. Are you ready? Five-four ... three-two ... one -- here we go!"

Tony then does a grand total of three reps, and sets his dumbbells on the floor. "I'd keep going, but I gotta CHECK ON THE KIDS," he explains. Uh, sure, Tony.

Incidentally, I'd love to keep writing about Tony's douche-tastic awesomeness, but I gotta go check on the kids.

P90X Day 38: Back & Biceps + Ab Ripper X

As with any P90X workout involving pull-ups, I approached Back & Biceps this morning knowing that I'm in for an hour of frustration.

It's not that I'm flat-out, fall-down horrible at pull-ups; thanks to P90X, I'm now able to crank out a full set of 12 wide-grip pull-ups in a row, and I can also manage to eke out 3 or 4 corn cob pull-ups before having to brace myself with a foot on a chair. But for the life of me, I can't even remotely come close to the insane number of pull-ups that Tony -- and in this particular video, Bobby Stephenson -- can do. Also? Their form is perfect whereas mine is shit; by the end of every set of pull-ups, I'm thrashing my legs around like a fish on a hook. (You know, the kind of fish with legs.)

My lack of pull-up progress really bugs me -- especially given that I've seen huge improvement in my ability to perform just about every other P90X move. I keep waiting for an "unlock" moment, when I suddenly figure out how to correct some biomechanical mistake I've been unwittingly making, and dramatically spike up my pull-up numbers. My gut tells me, though, that when it comes to pull-ups, I just need to lower my expectations.

On a more positive note: 70 Mason twists - no breaks!