The Prison Diet

If you're ever incarcerated, you can stay in shape by lifting weights in the yard, doing yoga, or cranking out some prison cell push-ups (either the P90X way or "Dirty Jobs" style). But exercise is only 20 percent of the fitness equation -- so what are you going to eat?

In Illinois, inmates are served "Nutraloaf," -- "a dense block of food-like stuff that meets the requirements of providing prisoners with daily calorie intake and nutrients, but deprives them of enjoyment."

Critics characterize Nutraloaf as "cruel and unusual punishment," and reviews by intrepid taste-testers have been decidedly yuck. (See here and here and here.) As one reviewer described Vermont's version of Nutraloaf:

It looked the best of the three -- it was moist -- and the nondairy cheese and canned carrots gave it a fetching orange color. But it tasted terrible. Mike, a computer guy at NASA, said the raisins were disconcerting; you couldn't tell if they were supposed to be in there or not. Steve said he hated it, but it wasn't the worst thing he'd ever eaten. I asked him what was the worst thing he'd ever eaten. "Cat," he said. "But I didn't know it was cat."

Blech. But hey -- at least (most versions of) Nutraloaf's made from recognizable ingredients, like eggs, meat, and veggies. Seriously: What's more cruel and unusual: Nutraloaf or most of the chemically-altered, HFCS-infused, super-processed lab experiments you find on supermarket shelves?

P90X Day 89: Core Synergistics

What's not to like about Core Synergistics? I've enjoyed it since first trying it in Week 4 -- it's a great, medium-intensity, full-body workout, and perfect for recovery weeks.  I'm even digging the prison cell push-ups (though I could still do without the plank-to-chaturanga runs). After tomorrow (Day 90!), I may not be consistently pressing "play" on all my P90X DVDs, but Core Syn will likely stay in regular rotation.

My only complaint? When it's time for me to flop around on the floor during Superman-Bananas, I'm already coated in a sheen of sweat, which means I end up slip-sliding across my mat and banging into things. I need more room. Alternatively, I need to put on a shirt.

And with that, 89 days are down, with just one to go. I wonder if Tony will miss me.

P90X Day 50: Yoga X

Yoga X is definitely getting easier, though it's by no means a cakewalk. I still wobble precariously every time I attempt the Warrior 3 poses (Warrior 3, Half Moon, Twisting Half Moon), and my version of Wheel looks more like a flat tire. But I'm tackling most of the other poses with confidence, even if my confidence is sometimes (okay, often) misplaced. I exercise the same way I dance: with too much enthusiasm and not enough coordination.

Now that Week 8 is here, I have mixed feelings about starting another recovery week: I've been looking forward to this break from the heavy-duty resistance training of Phase 2, but I also know from last time around that "recovery" doesn't mean "relaxation," and that I have a double-dose of Core Synergistics (and the dreaded prison cell push-ups) coming up. I know that it's important to give my aching body a week-long breather, but if my experience from last month proves consistent, the start of Phase 3 will be all the more difficult after taking it "easy" for a week. In anticipation of this, I've already penciled in "TOO FUCKING SORE TO MOVE" on my calendar for Week 9.

Prison Workout

Tony's Prison Cell Push-ups are great, but Discovery Channel's "Dirty Jobs" host Mike Rowe demonstrates another way to whip yourself into shape while incarcerated:

P90X Day 26: Core Synergistics

M and I split up our gym (a.k.a. garage) space this morning so that she could do her ChaLEAN Extreme workout on one side while I did Core Synergistics on the other. Even with two videos blaring at the same time, it wasn't hard to focus on the task at hand. After all, Core Syn demands one's full attention -- the moves come fast and furious, and are fairly complicated to boot (especially for a guy with a woefully deficient level of physical coordination).

Core Syn consists of:

• Stacked Foot/Staggered Hands Push-Ups
• Banana Rolls (mmmm, banana rolls...)
• Leaning Crescent Lunges
• Squat Runs
• Sphinx Push-Ups
• Bow-to-Boats
• Low Lateral Skaters
• Lunge & Reaches
• Prison Cell Push-Ups
• Side Hip Raises
• Squat X-Presses
• Plank to Chaturanga Runs
• Walking Push-Ups
• Superman Bananas
• Lunge Kickback Curl Presses
• Towel Hoppers
• Reach High & Under Push-Ups
• Steam Engines
• Dreya Rolls
• Plank to Chaturanga Isos
• Halfbacks
• Table Dip Leg Raises

This is a fantastic full-body workout. Near the end, when I was struggling to hold a chaturanga position, a rivulet of sweat trickled down off my forehead and formed an ever-expanding pool on the mat below my face -- a sure sign that my (sweaty) ass was thoroughly handed to me today.

P90X Day 23: Core Synergistics

I was getting a little cocky, thinking that Week 4 -- "Recovery Week" -- wasn't going to be intense enough for me. I even told myself that I was going to try to work in a few sessions of Ab Ripper X or do some resistance training (either lifting or working out with my trusty old TRX Suspension Trainer) this week, so as not to lose the momentum I've built up since starting Phase 1 of P90X.

After this morning's Core Synergistics workout, though, I've learned that the "recovery" in Recovery Week doesn't mean "relaxation." Some of the exercises in this workout (yes, I'm looking at you, Prison Cell Push-Ups and Plank-to-Chaturanga Runs) are killer, and I'm thankful that I didn't try to squeeze in a round of Ab Ripper X or weight training yesterday. Core Synergistics is a great combination of chest, back (without the pull-ups!), legs, plyo and ab work, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to keep coming back to this particular workout even after I'm done with the P90X program.