Bacon Tampons

Who knew you could stop nosebleeds with "bacon tampons"?

From LA Weekly:

Four doctors at Detroit Medical Center in Michigan treated a child who had a rare hereditary disorder that causes prolonged nose bleeding by using what they called a "nasal tampon" made out of "cured salted pork," the Guardian reports. The so-called bacon tampon "stopped nasal hemorrhage promptly, effectively, and without sequelae [negative consequences]," they write in the January 2012 issue of the Annals of Otology, Rhinology and Laryngology. 

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Flesh, Not Bone

There's a sports medicine facility across the street from my office. I've passed it a million times, but I've never once peered inside or made any inquiries about the services it provides. Who needs it? I thought.

Turns out I do. 

I'd hoped that my lower back stiffness would've dissipated by now, but no dice. Lingering muscle soreness and occasional twinges of pain made me think twice before attempting to twist my torso or bend over. This was not good.

So I picked up the phone and made an appointment at the place across the street. Luckily, there was an opening today, so after a long day behind a desk and a computer, I walked over to the clinic. The facility was bigger than it appeared from the exterior, and housed specialists in sports medicine, physical therapy, medical neurology, chiropractic care, and medical massage. 

The doctor who examined me poked and prodded at my back while asking questions about my exercise regimen ("CrossFit"), pain levels ("low"), type of discomfort ("extreme soreness, occasional pinching or shooting pain"). As part of the exam, my spine and pelvis got x-rayed and ultrasounded (is that a word?) to rule out certain possible conditions that I couldn't pronounce, like "ankylosing spondylitis."

And then, as the x-rays were being developed and reports were being prepared, I was escorted into a room where I lay on my stomach and got hooked up to some wires that delivered an electric current to my back muscles. It's called "electric stimulation therapy," and for the most part, it was pleasant -- like sitting in one of those massage chairs at the Brookstone store in the mall. Of course, once in a while, the electricity did some weird things to my back muscles, causing my right lat to seize up involuntarily a few times. I'd like to think it was akin to getting very, very mildly tased by a cop.

After my back muscles were sufficiently tenderized by electricity, the doctor returned and told me that my spine looked A-OK. "You have a very healthy spine, with just some osteoarthritis developing. Normal for a guy your age who exercises a lot." (My age? Damn, I'm feeling old.)

He explained that my vertebrae were just peachy, and my discs looked fine, too. "So the good news is that there's no damage to your spine. You're just suffering from a muscle tear. Do some mobility work as it heals to make sure you don't build up too much scar tissue, and take it easy for the next month or so. And we'll do an adjustment to make sure your spine is in alignment."

All I heard were the words: 

• "OSTEOARTHRITIS"
• "MUSCLE TEAR"
• "TAKE IT EASY FOR THE NEXT MONTH"

None of which were particularly awesome-sounding.

On the other hand, the spine adjustment felt fantastic. After a chiropractor contorted me into various pretzel shapes ("I'm gonna get all up in your area," he warned me beforehand), he suddenly yanked and twisted me until loud popping sounds exploded from my back. "That's supposed to happen," the chiropractor assured me. "I'm not breaking your back." Good to know.

I have to admit that I felt significantly better after the spinal adjustment, and so I made an appointment for another adjustment later this week.

Before I left, I had a very important question for the doc: "So does this mean I can't work out until this heals?"

"No, you can work out," he said. "You're a healthy, fit guy, and I'm sure you'll go work out even if I told you to take a break. But start with light weights, don't overdo it, and listen to your body. Stop if your back doesn't like what you're doing. And remember to do plenty of stretching and mobility work."

He had me at "No, you can work out." 

(But I promise I won't be an idiot.)

Snake Oil?

Over on SICFIT, Kiki Dickson recently made an offhand remark about her gym’s stock of snake oil.

Seriously? I thought. Snake oil?

After all, isn’t “snake oil” the term we apply to supposed cure-alls peddled by charlatans and con artists? You know -- like kombucha and Power Balance bands?

I did some digging. Turns out that back in the 1860s, the Chinese laborers who built the U.S. transcontinental railroad system used an ointment derived from water snakes to treat their tired, aching muscles. They called it shéyóu (蛇油) -- an ancient remedy for "inflammation and pain in rheumatoid arthritis, bursitis, and other similar conditions." And it was a surprisingly effective salve.

Why? Here’s one possible answer:

According to [neurophysiologist Richard] Kunin’s 1989 analysis published in the Western Journal of Medicine, Chinese water-snake oil contains 20 percent eicosapentaenoic acid (EPA), one of the two types of omega-3 fatty acids most readily used by our bodies...[O]mega-3s are vital for human metabolism. Not only do they sooth inflammation in muscles and joints, but also, they can help “cognitive function and reduce blood pressure, cholesterol, and even depression.

So then why do we associate snake oil with scams? Because con artists “caught wind of the miraculous muscle-soothing powers of snake oil,” and decided to sell their own “snake oil” products -- only minus the actual snakes.

So where you can you get the real deal? It's available at traditional Chinese pharmacies, and you can find it online. Or just head to Kiki's gym -- Orange Coast CrossFit. I'm sure what they carry is good quality stuff. And I really, really hope it comes bottled with a pickled cobra, 'cause it'd be hands-down the most badass product ever sold at a CrossFit box:

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