Monday, January 4, 2010


As you’ve probably heard, Tiger Woods is featured on the cover of Vanity Fair -- shirtless, pumping iron, keeping his head warm with a knit cap (where's the Nike swoosh?), and glowering.

 Judging from the collective reaction of the online hoi polloi, it appears that Tiger’s decision to pose topless was a bad one. (Silver lining: it’s clearly not the dumbest thing he’s recently done.) Here's a sampling of the comments posted on US Weekly’s site about Tiger's appearance:
  • "He forgot to shave his nipples :D"
  • "What's with the OJ cap and the gross belly button?"
  • "Barf, this guy is a walking STD"
  • "BAD timing for Tiger but so revealing about how he perceives himself as a sex god. What a narcissist! And, how about how much he's sucking in that gut?! It's okay to be out of shape, overweight and flabby, just don't flaunt it shirtless on a magazine cover as if you think you're all that. His biggest problem is his misperception of himself which has led him down the path as a liar and cheater."
  • "My superficial shallow side thinks ewwww, he shoulda covered up those ugly nips, added at least 30 lbs of muscle to that torso, and done way more situps so at least he'd have the appearance of a sixpack before going topless for a magazine cover. My deep spiritual side thinks, ewwww this guy is a womanizing dirtbag who would stick his wang in a codfish's left gill if there were no trashy blondes nearby. Overall opinion: ewwww!"
Perhaps Tiger expected his body to be Photoshopped a bit before publication, but there's a lesson or three to be learned here. For your benefit, here's a list of helpful tips you can use to avoid similarly cruel taunts about your physique:
  • Do not become the best golfer in the history of the universe.
  • Do not allow Annie Leibovitz to photograph you for the cover of Vanity Fair (or manage your finances).
  • Do not insert your wang in fish gills or trashy blondes.
  • Do not pose shirtless and in a black cap. (Sadly, this lesson came too late for me.)
  • Most importantly: Shave your nipples.