Look: I got into a fight!
Not really. I don't have chicken pox. Nor did I scrub my face with poison oak.
But by stupidly holding my breath while practicing strict handstand push-ups this morning, I evidently burst a bunch of capillaries in both sides of my face. Note to self: If the blood pooling in your head makes your eyes feel like they're about to explode, consider relieving some of the pressure by BREATHING. Or learn to kip.
I've diagnosed myself (using the Internet -- a.k.a., the most reliable medical resource in the known universe) -- with exercise-induced petechiae. It's often associated with people who have been asphyxiated, but it's harmless, and evidently not too uncommon among folks doing intense exercise (though most reports involve petechiae on runners' legs). Believe it or not, petechiae can appear after just a hard bout of crying or coughing.
With any luck, I should be less splotchy in five to seven days. But in the meantime, I guess I'll have to settle for looking super badass.