Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Macaroni Salad Lady vs. Paula Deen's Buttery Doughnut Monstrosity

This video has been making the rounds over the past few days:

Yes, this macaroni salad isn't remotely healthy by any stretch of the imagination.  As described on the video, this recipe contains a grand total of 6805 calories and 358 grams of fat.  But most of the savage mockery unleashed on the web (see here and here) isn't truly aimed at the dish -- it's (unsurprisingly) directed at this particular home chef's weight and appearance.

I'll bet, though, that most of the people who are gleefully delivering this online beat-down routinely stuff their own mouths with much worse.  Not to be preachy and all, but assuming this large bowl of macaroni salad feeds 12, each serving contains approximately 570 calories and 30 grams of fat -- not good, but no worse than a Big Mac without cheese or a run-of-the-mill chicken burrito with cheese and sour cream.  And how many of us post-modern, post-ironic, wanna-be techno-hipsters don't indulge in a burger or burrito once in a while?

In fact, I'll even wager that many of the pots who are calling this kettle fat have -- at one time or another -- considered replicating or ingesting some of the even more frightening recipes featured on the Food Network.  Have you seen Sandra Lee's horrific Kwanzaa cake, complete with gigantic candles, Corn Nuts (which she calls "acorns" for some reason) and canned pie filling?  It should be prosecuted as a hate crime.

Another example: On a recent episode of the popular "Paula's Home Cooking" show, Paula Deen whipped up something called Krispy Kreme Bread Pudding with Butter Rum Sauce, which contains (among other things) two dozen doughnuts, sweetened condensed milk, a stick of butter, hard liquor, and two cans of fruit fucking cocktail.

This barf-tastic recipe contains 10,460 calories and 718 grams of fat.  It's supposed to feed 12, so if you're one of the dozen people digging into this heart attack of a dish, you'll be consuming 870 calories and 60 grams of fat.  It's a nutritional Chernobyl, and far worse for you than the macaroni salad above.

For those of us who have slavishly committed to an exercise program like P90X, it's tempting to sneer at people who don't appear to be taking steps to improve their health.  But while we're all busy pointing and laughing at the Macaroni Salad Lady, we tend to lose sight of the fact that she's actually on our side.  It's the Food Network that's quietly killing us all.