"Colonoscopy Gone Wrong"

For some folks, marathons -- or even ultramarathons -- aren't enough. They crave something more EXTREME. (As if the risk of incontinence and death isn’t sufficiently hardcore.)
Sure, there’s Tough Mudder, but we know it ain't all that.

And yes, we’ve discussed the Death Race before, too. That’s a whole ‘nother level of extreme. Still, each Death Race is capped at 24 hours, and participants are always within sight of an aid station.

But the Barkley Marathons? They’re just fucking insane.

Held once each year, the Barkley “Marathon” is actually a multi-day, 100+ mile footrace through the backwoods wilderness of Frozen Head Mountain in Tennessee. Through 2010, only nine people had completed the race under the 60-hour cutoff. The Barkley course record: 55 hours and 42 minutes. (Compare that with the course record for the famous 100-mile Western States Endurance Run, which is just over 15 hours.)

The Barkley Marathons have been described as “Brutal. Terrifying. Inhuman.” Also: “A colonoscopy gone wrong.” (Sounds a good deal worse than "Fight Gone Bad," right?)

What makes it so bad? No trail, for one. A cumulative elevation gain that’s nearly twice the height of Everest. Native flora called saw briars that can turn a man’s legs to raw meat in meters. The tough hills have names like Rat Jaw, Little Hell, Big Hell, Testicle Spectacle—this last so-called because it inspires most runners to make the sign of the cross (crotch to eyeglasses, shoulder to shoulder)—not to mention Stallion Mountain, Bird Mountain, Coffin Springs, Zip Line, and an uphill stretch, new this year, known simply as “the Bad Thing.”

Most folks don’t make it very far into the race. But if you quit, you face a “three-to-four-hour commute back into camp -- longer at night, especially if you get lost. Which effectively means that the act of ceasing to compete in the Barkley race is comparable to running an entire marathon.”

Read all about the Barkley Marathons here. Me? I stopped reading once I saw the words “Testicle Spectacle.”

This Mudder Not Tough Enough?

Last spring, I flirted with the idea of signing up for the very first Tough Mudder event held in California, but ultimately chickened out decided against it. Tough Mudder certainly looks difficult...



...but many CrossFit enthusiasts who've completed the race have reported that the event isn't nearly as challenging as advertised. (Case in point: The day after finishing Tough Mudder, the team from CrossFit York reconvened at their gym to crank out "three rounds of 10 kettlebell swings, 20 push-ups, 30 sit-ups and 40 double-unders.") There are plenty of other races that are similar to Tough Mudder (e.g., ToughGuy, Warrior Dash, etc.) -- but none of them appear to be much more difficult.

So if you're a hardcore CrossFitting adventure-racer who wants a real challenge, what's a decent alternative to the too-tame Mudder?

Try the "Death Race":



Unlike the David Carradine movie, this Death Race (probably) doesn't involve reckless driving and booby traps. Even so, it sounds awesome. Read this if you don't believe me.

While only 20-25% of Tough Mudder participants can't finish that event, a whopping 80+% of Death Race participants fail to complete this combination of "'Survivor' meets 'Jackass.'" The specifics are kept secret, but a previous race involved navigating "10 miles of mountain trails, ravines, lakes, underbrush and a burnt-out thicket known as the Labyrinth."

The physical challenges included digging holes, chopping wood and hauling encumbrances like bicycles, tree stumps and buckets of gravel. The riddles included naming American presidents, assembling Lego structures from memory and cooking without modern tools. Each of the 14 tasks was expected to take two hours. A 24-hour time limit was set. Mathematically speaking, the designers considered their course all but impossible.

I'm sure the punishing mental and physical demands and "unknown and unknowable" nature of the Death Race attract a lot of CrossFit junkies (like this guy). Plus, it certainly appears to be significantly more challenging than Tough Mudder. (I can wade through mud, but I certainly can't name all the U.S. Presidents.) As ultrarunner Steven Tursi wrote, Tough Mudder and its ilk can't hold a candle to the Death Race.

(Still: The chances of me taking part in this? Slim to none.)

Greatest Hits

To kick off the weekend, check out this little video. It features a bunch of stuff we know and love: Paleo eating, Vibram FiveFingers, John Durant, MovNat, and Tough Mudder.